GRACE ABOUNDING TO THE CHIEF OF SINNERS OR, A BRIEF RELATION OF THE EXCEEDING MERCY OF GOD IN CHRIST, TO HIS POOR SERVANT, JOHN BUNYAN (12)

203.  At another time I remembered, I was again much under this question, Whether the blood of Christ was sufficient to save my soul? in which doubt I continued from morning, till about seven or eight at night: and at last, when I was, as it were, quite worn out with fear, lest it should not lay hold on me, these words did sound suddenly within my heart: He is able.  But methought, this word able, was spoke loud unto me; it showed a great word, it seemed to be writ in great letters, and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt (I mean for the time it tarried with me, which was about a day) as I never had from that, all my life, either before or after.  Heb. vii. 25.

204.  But one morning as I was again at prayer, and trembling under the fear of this, That no word of God could help me, that piece of a sentence darted in upon me, My grace is sufficient.  At this, methought I felt some stay, as if there might be hopes.  But, oh! how good a thing it is for God to send His word! for, about a fortnight before, I was looking on this very place, and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort, therefore I threw down my book in a pet: then I thought it was not large enough for me; no, not large enough; but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide, that it could not only enclose me, but many more such as I besides.

205.  By these words I was sustained, yet not without exceeding conflicts, for the space of seven or eight weeks; for my peace would be in it, and out, sometimes twenty times a day; comfort now, and trouble presently; peace now, and before I could go a furlong, as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold.  And this was not only now and then, but my whole seven weeks’ experience: for this about the sufficiency of grace, and that of Esau’s parting with his birthright, would be like a pair of scales within my mind; sometimes one end would be uppermost, and sometimes again the other; according to which would be my peace or trouble.

206.  Therefore I did still pray to God, that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart; to wit, that He would help me to apply the whole sentence, for as yet I could not: that He gave, that I gathered; but farther I could not go, for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me; My grace is sufficient: And though it came no farther, it answered my former question, to wit, That there was hope; yet because for thee was left out, I was not contented, but prayed to God for that also.  Wherefore, one day, when I was in a meeting of God’s people, full of sadness and terror; for my fears again were strong upon me; and, as I was now thinking, my soul was never the better, but my case most sad and fearful, these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me; My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, My grace is sufficient for thee, three times together: And oh! methought that every word was a mighty word unto me; as My, and grace, and sufficient, and for thee; they were then, and sometimes are still, far bigger than others be.

207.  At which time my understanding was so enlightened, that I was as though I had seen the Lord Jesus look down from heaven, through the tiles upon me, and direct these words unto me.  This sent me mourning home; it broke my heart, and filled me full of joy, and laid me low as the dust; only it stayed not long with me, I mean in this glory and refreshing comfort; yet it continued with me for several weeks, and did encourage me to hope: but as soon as that powerful operation of it was taken from my heart, that other, about Esau, returned upon me as before: so my soul did hang as in a pair of scales again, sometimes up, and sometimes down; now in peace, and anon again in terror.

208.  Thus I went on for many weeks, sometimes comforted, and sometimes tormented; and especially at sometimes my torment would be very sore, for all those scriptures forenamed in the Hebrews, would be set before me, as the only sentences that would keep me out of heaven.  Then again I would begin to repent that ever that thought went through me; I would also think thus with myself: Why, how many scriptures are there against me?  There are but three or four; And cannot God miss them, and save me for all them?  Sometimes again I would think, Oh! if it were not for these three or four words, now how might I be comforted!  And I could hardly forbear at some times, to wish them out of the book.

209.  Then methought I should see as if both Peter and Paul, and John, and all the writers, did look with scorn upon me, and hold me in derision; and as if they had said unto me, All our words are truth, one of as much force as another: it is not we that have cut you of, but you have cast away yourself.  There is none of our sentences that you must take hold upon, but these and such as these; it is impossible, Heb. vi.; there remains no more sacrifice for sin, Heb. x.  And it had been better for them not to have known the will of God, than after they had known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them, 2 Peter ii. 21.  For the Scriptures cannot be broken.  John x. 35.

210.  These, as the elders of the city of refuge, I saw, were to be judges both of my case and me, while I stood with the avenger of blood at my heels, trembling at their gate for deliverance; also with a thousand fears and mistrusts, I doubted that they would shut me out for ever.  Joshua xx. 3. 4.

211.  Thus I was confounded, not knowing what to do, or how to be satisfied in this question, Whether the scriptures could agree in the salvation of my soul?  I quaked at the apostles; I knew their words were true, and that they must stand for ever.

212.  And I remember one day, as I was in divers frames of spirit, and considering that these frames were according to the nature of several scriptures that came in upon my mind; if this of grace, then was I quiet; but of that of Esau, then tormented.  Lord, thought I, if both these scriptures should meet in my heart at once, I wonder which of them would get the better of me.  So methought I had a longing mind that they might come both together upon me; yea, I desired of God they might.

213.  Well, about two or three days after, so they did indeed; they bolted both upon me at a time, and did work and struggle strangely in me for a while; at last that about Esau’s birthright began to wax weak, and withdraw, and vanish; and this, about the sufficiency of grace prevailed with peace and joy.  And as I was in a muse about this thing, that scripture came in upon me, Mercy rejoiceth against judgment.  James ii. 13.

214.  This was a wonderment to me; yet truly, I am apt to think it was of God; for the word of the law and wrath, must give place to the word of life and grace; because, though the word of condemnation be glorious, yet the word of life and salvation doth far exceed in glory.  2 Cor. iii. 8–11.  Mark ix. 5–7.  John vi. 37.  Also that Moses and Elias must both vanish, and leave Christ and His saints alone.

215.  This scripture also did now most sweetly visit my soul; And him that cometh to Me, I will in no wise cast out.  Oh! the comfort that I had from this word, in no wise!  As who should say, By no means, for nothing whatever he hath done.  But Satan would greatly labour to pull this promise from me, telling of me, That Christ did not mean me and such as I, but sinners of a lower rank, that had not done as I had done.  But I would answer him again, Satan, here is in these words no such exception; but him that comes, him, any him: him that cometh to Me I will in no wise cast out.  And this I well remember still, that of all the slights that Satan used to take this scripture from me, yet he never did so much as put this question, But do you come aright?  And I have thought the reason was, because he thought I knew full well what coming aright was; for I saw that to come aright, was to come as I was, a vile and ungodly sinner, and to cast myself at the feet of mercy, condemning myself for sin.  If ever Satan and I did strive for any word of God in all my life, it was for this good word of Christ; he at one end, and I at the other: Oh! what work did we make!  It was for this in John, I say, that we did so tug and strive, he pulled, and I pulled; but God be praised, I got the better of him; I got some sweetness from it.

216.  But notwithstanding all these helps, and blessed words of grace, yet that of Esau’s selling of his birthright, would still at times distress my conscience: for though I had been most sweetly comforted, and that but just before, yet when that came into my mind, ’twould make me fear again: I could not be quite rid thereof, ’twould every day be with me: wherefore now I went another way to work, even to consider the nature of this blasphemous thought, I mean, if I should take the words at the largest, and give them their own natural force and scope, even every word therein: so when I had thus considered, I found, that if they were fairly taken, they would amount to this; That I had freely left the Lord Jesus Christ to His choice, whether He would be my Saviour or no; for the wicked words were these, Let Him go, if He will.  Then that scripture gave me hope, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.  Heb. xiii. 5.  ‘O Lord,’ said I, but I have left Thee.  Then it answered again, But I will not leave thee.  For this I thanked God also.

217.  Yet I was grievous afraid He should, and found it exceeding hard to trust Him, seeing I had so offended Him: I could have been exceeding glad that this thought had never befallen; for then I thought I could with more ease and freedom in abundance, have leaned on His grace.  I saw it was with me, as it was with Joseph’s brethren; the guilt of their own wickedness did often fill them with fears that their brother would at last despise them.  Gen. l. 15, 16, etc.

218.  Yet above all the scriptures that I yet did meet with that in Joshua xx. was the greatest comfort to me, which speaks of the slayer that was to flee for refuge: And if the avenger of blood pursue the slayer, then saith Moses, they that are the elders of the city of refuge shall not deliver him into his hands, because he smote his neighbour unwittingly and hated him not aforetime.  Oh! blessed be God for this word: I was convinced that I was the slayer; and that the avenger of blood pursued me, I felt with great terror; only now it remained that I inquire whether I have right to enter the city of refuge: so I found, that he must not, who lay in wait to shed blood: It was not the wilful murderer, but he who unwittingly did it, he who did it unawares; not out of spite, or grudge, or malice, he that shed it unwittingly: even he who did not hate his neighbour before.  Wherefore,

219.  I thought verily I was the man that must enter, because I had smitten my neighbour unwittingly, and hated Him not aforetime.  I hated Him not aforetime; no, I prayed unto Him, was tender of sinning against Him; yea, and against this wicked temptation I had strove for a twelvemonth before; yea, and also when it did pass through my heart, it did in spite of my teeth: wherefore I thought I had a right to enter this city, and the elders, which are the apostles, were not to deliver me up.  This therefore was great comfort to me, and gave me much ground of hope.